25 Randoms

If you are a Facebooker, you must have seen these people writing these lists. Anyway, I got tagged...so filled it out as well, and am publishing it here in an effort to keep Colic alive....

1. Most people I know would describe me as outgoing, I’m actually pretty shy.
2. The hardest part about raising teenagers has been in letting go, and letting them make decisions on their own. As taxing as the toddler and preschool years were, I miss the sweetness and innocence of that chapter of my life.
3. The most profound moment in my life was giving birth to my first child. I just couldn’t believe I made a little person.
4. If you call me and leave a message, there is a 60% chance I won’t return your call. It’s not that I don’t mean to, it’s just that I get distracted pretty easily, and before you know it…whoops, I forgot to call you back. Please know this now, and accept my apologies in advance.
5. I tend to keep friendships at arms length. I’ve developed this as a defense mechanism over the years. I know a lot of people, but very few are part of my inner circle.
6. I’ve written a blog for almost 2 years. I’m actually really proud of some of my essays.
7. I played the trumpet and piano as a kid. As an adult, I took piano lessons for a year. I loved it so much, but had to stop with the lessons, because it was too hard to tear myself away from playing which was a total joy…but more important stuff wasn’t getting done…laundry, cooking, etc. I hope to take it up again when we’re empty nesters.
8. I love Facebook, I love to have a link with people who I’d otherwise never have the opportunity to see.
9. I’ve been in love only once. It’s been twenty years. And I still can’t get over the fact that he loves me back.
10. I didn’t cry on my wedding day, when my babies were born or at the girls’ Bat Mitzvah, but I wept like a baby when I saw the video of my sister meeting her daughter in Taiwan for the very first time.
11. I don’t know what I would do without my sister.
12. My greatest regret is dropping out of college. My greatest fear is that I have set a bad example for my daughters.
13. I really love the Goon-N-Plenty, the Keurig and the Swirl, Tap and Buff.
14. I work at an overnight camp in the summer. I run the art program. I am so grateful for this job and for the experience. I love to nurture my creative spirit, I love to find new challenges. It is because of this job, that I have gained enough confidence in myself to embark on my graphic design studies.
15. I still call my parents Mommy and Daddy. And I will not apologize for this.
16. I talk to my parents and my sister at least once a day, but usually many more times than that.
17. I don’t understand how I got to be 45 years old. That’s ridiculous.
18. I love our new president; I don’t ever remember having the opportunity to witness GREATNESS. I’m so glad my kids are old enough to recognize that we are living through an enormously historic time. Plus, I can’t stop thinking about what it must be like for Sasha and Malia to live in the White House.
19. I’m afraid if I don’t say goodbye, I won’t ever see you again. So I always say goodbye.
20. I don’t really care about having fancy things. I wish I did sometimes, but I just don’t care.
21. I had a nose job when I was 18 years old. I woke up in the middle of the operation and heard them sawing away. I don’t think I could ever have plastic surgery again. (Not that there aren’t plenty of areas for improvement!)
22. When my husband comes home from work, I still get butterflies.
23. I see different tiny piece of myself in each of my daughters, but mostly I can’t believe how different and unique they are, not only from me, but from each other as well.
24. We wanted to give our daughters the best that we could offer, and I’m grateful that we can, but I worry, that one day, they will not have developed the coping skills one can gain from living through difficult times.
25. I am truly grateful, I feel like I’ve been blessed with a magnificent husband, amazing kids, adoring family and loyal friends. And I still don’t know what I did to deserve such good fortune.

Feeling Really Awful

I just hung up the phone with an old friend. The kind of friend who's seen me at my worst, my best and my in between. She's frustrated with me. With good reason. I haven't been the most loyal friend for the past couple of years. It wasn't that anything precipitated my behavior. She was never mean, did nothing wrong...life just continues. I suck at returning phone calls. I suck at making plans. I suck at keeping in touch. Part of me is kind of shy...silly, I know, but I sometimes feel awkward calling people just to say hi. Part of me is really kind of introspective. I keep everything to myself, and don't really reach out. I don't like to burden. Part of me is just a loner. I am kind of a homebody, a bit of a hermit. I don't know how this happened to me, it's just kind of did. But my treatment of her, and other good, old friends...not really acceptable.

I know if I continue along this path, I'll find myself, with no friends.

I don't know why I felt the need to write this in here. I'm feeling really raw, really emotional at the moment, and maybe just needed to put it out there. Like if it's in black and white, I can't deny my poor behavior anymore, I have to acknowledge it, and try to correct it.

If you are one of my good friends, thank you for your patience with probably my worst flaw. I appreciate you, and am grateful for you.

Oh Facebook, How I Love Thee....

As I sit here at home, in bed for the 4th day of a lousy sinus/ear infection thingy, I've finally had the chance to think about my lonesome lil' blog....forgive grammar and spelling mistakes, I'm slightly delirious...

I have been a Facebook member for quite a while. I joined sort of as a gag when one summer. my staff members were spending all their "off" time checking their Facebook pages. I didn't understand what it was. So I joined, in hopes of figuring out what the fuss was all about. Suffice to say, I still didn't really get it. It just wasn't really that compelling.

But then, circumstances changed. I started to notice that more "grown-up" people were joining in on the craze. I was able to locate 25 or so members of my high school graduating class. I don't think I actually "friended" them, but, it was cool to see that these folks were still out there, living their lives.

One day, I heard the news of a death of one of my classmates. He wasn't in my inner circle of friends, but I remembered him fondly, we were in some plays together, sang in choir together. He was just a really nice kid. And I never thought of him, without thinking about his Best Friend. They were "partners in crime" so to speak. And I felt the need to express my condolences somehow to his friend who'd I'd long since lost touch with.

I found that old friend on Facebook, was able to write him a note, and we eventually "friended" each other. Since then, many more old friends and acquaintances have resurfaced on Facebook, and amazingly I find myself reconnecting with people with whom I'd otherwise probably never have occasion to see again. It's really something.

My Facebook connections have taken me on a backwards journey of my life. It started with my more recent friends, recent camp connections, kids friend, etc. Then old camp connections, old dates, and college friends came out of the woodwork. High School Friends reappeared and just recently, an old friend from the neighborhood, who I'd known since kindergarten but hadn't seen since I was 14 years old reconnected with me. I've even "friended' my 5th grade teacher!!

And each time I find one of these "new" old friends, I go on a little ride right back to the past. I remember things that have long since been filed away in a deep corner of my mind. I remember funny things, (huck-a-poo shirts, boy/girl parties, camp hi-jinx), embarrassing things (none that I'll recount here), and the saddest things I've ever had to think about (the death of a little boy in my neighborhood).

I find some of the same ancient, useless emotions crop up when I see photos of some of the old gang...how I never really felt like I fit in, how certain girls still remind me of my inadequacies, make me feel "not good enough". How certain people still instill a sense of warmth and kindness in their being.

In the end, we all have a need to be part of a community. Whether it's our bloggy friends, our kid's friends parents, co-workers, family members or neighbors. It's cool, that in this new age, we have one more way to be a part of something. And while some might think Facebook is kind of silly, and a bit of a time sucker (which it can be), it's just a really nice way to reconnect, and be a member of a community.