Second Chances

In the cold, gray days of November,  I would watch my mother. The machine would help her breathe, I would hold her hand, comb her hair.  I would say goodnight, and wonder if she would still be with us in the morning.  In my mind I reflected on her life, our relationship, on all the things I'd never said.  In my mind I planned her shiva, shuddering at the thought of never again being held in her loving embrace.  Back in November, I thought this was the end.  The time in my life I dreaded so deeply, but I knew was inevitable.

These six months have been the hardest six months of her life.  No one should have to endure the pain, the trauma, the loss of dignity that she has had to endure.  There were days that I was wracked with guilt that maybe we prayed a little too hard for her to survive, for she seemed so unhappy to have woken up.

The road has been long.   Tiny victories along the way.  She never saw them as a big deal.  But even learning to comb her own hair, to swallow spoonful of applesauce, to dial the telephone...these were all milestones in her journey.

The road ahead is long as well.  But she has taken her first, slow, steady steps out of her wheelchair.  She is settling in a new home, making new friends, creating new memories.

And today, on Mother's Day, a day I was sure we would never get to celebrate together again, we sat on the patio together, soaking in the sun, holding hands.  And I realize that we are the lucky ones.   I get that second chance to show her how much I love her, to tell her how I feel....a second chance I once thought would never come....

Thank you, my Mommy for being my strong, intelligent, powerful role model.  For loving us so unconditionally, for placing us in the center of your world.  For being my safety net, for being my cheering section.  For believing in me, for looking at me every day (still) like I am still your little girl...for making me feel safe, for assuring me.  Thank you for being so funny, so able to laugh at nonsense, to always know how to make people smile.  Thank you for being so pragmatic, so logical, for always just knowing the right answer.   Thank you for forgiving me when I've been wrong, or disrespectful or just didn't know better.  Thank you for showing me what it means to be a GREAT mother...although I'm sure I will never possess the patience and selflessness that you showed me. 

And finally, on this Mother's Day, I thank you, my Mommy, for sticking around a little longer...so I could get the chance to share the sunshine with you once more...