R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

We went to the orthodontist today, "an emergency" visit to repair a broken bracket. I love these visits (I better, with $9,000. worth of bills hanging over my head) because they have THE BEST magazines in the waiting room. Come to think of it, with the cash flowing through this office, they should be giving pedicures and serving lattes...

Magazine reading isn't something I get to do often. It's a treat and a luxury. So I eagerly step in to Dr. S and J's office, quickly rifle through the stacks for interesting magazines I haven't yet seen, plop myself in a chair and bury my head in delicious peace.

I would like to say I found an interesting article, but truthfully, I believe this particular article found me. It was entitled "Who's in Charge Here " - and illustrated with an image of a mom being dwarfed by her little girl. A quiz was included, to ascertain whether or not the reader acted as a parent...or a friend.

Of course, I thought, "I'm no friend, I'm the mom. I'm the boss."

• "Is it more important for your child to like you or respect you?" Um, a little of both???
• "Do you like the same music?" Well, so what? I'm youthful and fun.
• "Do you confide in your child?" Well, not really; but last night I did tell her a juicy piece of gossip...(okay, I was tired and used poor judgment; and no, I'm not going to share that gossip here)
• "Do you punish your child and then later give them a little treat, to soften the blow?" Oh boy. Guilty as charged. Really guilty.

I'm a softy. I don't like to make waves. I don't like disharmony. So I placate, calm and smooth, much like my flat iron smooths the kinks out of my hair. The problem is, the kinks will always come back, and the iron will eventually damage my hair. Much like my flat iron, my actions are a temporary fix, but larger problems will most definitely ensue.

One of my girls tested me tonight. And I acted immediately. Privileges were taken away, and I firmly and calmly made my point. Her tactics tested but didn't soften my resolve. Anger, tears, apologies, even charming smiles were sent my way to convince me to reinstate her computer and cell phone access.

Then, I spoke. It wasn't easy, and it didn't feel natural. But I told her the following:

I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND. I AM YOUR MOTHER. IT DOESN'T MATTER TO ME THAT YOU ARE ANGRY, BECAUSE YOU NEED TO LEARN TO RESPECT...YOUR PARENTS, YOUR TEACHERS AND MOST OF ALL YOURSELF. I DON'T CARE THAT YOU CAN'T GO ON YOUR MYSPACE, AND IT DOES NOT MATTER THAT YOU CANNOT POST AN "AWAY MESSAGE" ON YOUR AIM. INSTEAD, YOU CAN SIT AND THINK ABOUT WHAT DRIVES ME TO TAKE AWAY THESE PRIVILEGES, AND HOW YOU CAN AVOID THIS IN THE FUTURE.

I very much care what people think about me. I want people to think of me as kind, loving and fun. But I think I've made the mistake of putting my children into this general category of "people". Of course, I recognize they are people. Beautiful, smart, adorable, fun and energetic people. But I am the mother. I am the grown-up. And it's okay for my kids to NOT like me now and then.

I recently participated in a family workshop at our synagogue with my oldest. The subject this month was the holiday of Shavuot, which celebrates Moses' receiving the Ten Commandments. The wonderful instructor likened G-d's commandments to parental rules. A very bright and astute 13 year old girl understood. She said, because of the rules in her home, it gives her a sense of security and love. G-d has given us these commandments to give us that same sense of security and love.

I believe it was "beshert"(meant to be) that this article found me today. I will remember its lesson now and in the foreseeable future, as I parent teens. I hope she'll always love me, because I'll love her (all of them, in fact) forever; but I also hope that once in a while, she won't like me very much. And maybe one day, when she's all grown up, I'll be lucky enough to finally graduate from being her mother and her disciplinarian to just being her mother and, if I'm very lucky...her friend as well.