Building Blocks

As my oldest daughter's 14th birthday approaches, I have been looking through piles of old photos, taken when she was a baby. Looking at these pictures really reminds me of a very different time in my life. She cried constantly. She was absolutely miserable, and I was the most neurotic new mother imaginable. It was impossible to soothe this little person, who had her own agenda.

One morning, after a particularly difficult night, colicky fits and little sleep, I complained to my mother about how hard it was. My mother, who is so wise, comforted me. "I know these times seem interminable, but once it's over, you will look back and think, how quickly it flew."

She was so right, and really, her comment applies to everything. I was once a newlywed living in a small apartment with my life about to truly begin. Then, an expectant mom, feeling life in my tummy with expectations of a docile baby, and me, I'd be the most perfect and patient mother. A new mom next, sleep deprived and self-doubting. The years whizzed by, and now, I'm a graying, middle aged mom of teens and almost teens. My babies who once worshiped me, now are embarrassed by me (not that I don't give them good reason!). I look back on the days of young motherhood and think that those were the most innocent and sweet times of my life.

This is Gregg, Hayley and me on Hayley's 1st birthday.
I was a couple of months pregnant with Sydney.

When Hayley was about 2 years old, we had a little routine. We'd come home after our morning errand and lunch and we'd wind down for a nap. I'd change her diaper and we'd chat, and then she'd pick a book, no doubt one she'd read time and time again. If I left one word out, or skipped a page, she'd correct me instantly. We loved Harry the Hippo, and Big Bird, Good Night Moon and 101 Dalmatians. When I placed her in her crib, she'd suck her left thumb and with her right arm, she'd cover her eyes. I'd listen to her babble on the baby monitor until she fell asleep.

We did this every day, and one day, it dawned on me, she's not going to remember this. What was so routine, and such a major moment in our day, every day, was going to be completely forgotten. I found this so sad to consider. Me pouring my whole heart into caring for her, and she'd never know. She'd never remember those precious moment she and I shared. Not the kisses and the cuddles, not the repeated requests for a sip of water. She won't remember all of her crib-mates, the stuffed animals. Or that she'd wake up every afternoon to the smells of dinner cooking on the stove. And she won't remember the thrill of seeing her daddy coming home to play with her every night.

Then, I realized of course, that it was never about me. It's about her. I gave her love and guidance and care and attention and nurturing. I gave her the building blocks of her life. She is now a self-assured and spunky young lady. Smart, and musical. Original and daring, a little goofy (in a good way). She's always willing to try something new, adores her friends and her family.

So what, she doesn't remember those days where we were a twosome. It's okay, because those days are forever part of who she has become.
Hayley, today.