My Daddy

My father passed away early in the morning on November 3rd, 2019.  The following are the words I mustered the strength to speak at his memorial service.

It goes without saying that I am a Daddy’s girl. The loss I feel today is tremendous, so, to come up with words to express how I feel, to share with you my insights on the kind of man he was, is a daunting, if not impossible task. 

I can start by saying, Daddy was an extremely sentimental man.  Of course, we all know what a gifted photographer he was; and let's not forget, he was a photographer before things like Instagram filters, or Photoshop, or automatic camera settings existed. He just had rolls of Kodak film, complete with just 24 chances to get a good shot.

He lovingly saved not just his own photographs (heaven forbid, don’t call them "pictures"), but he managed to be the keeper of all of the family photographs that had been cast aside by his parent's generation.  These are archived in dozens of albums...Freudberg photos, Caplan photos, Falkowitz photos - we have them all.  In addition to the photos, he held onto all sorts of mementos like speeches, invitations, programs, and newspaper articles.

He also saved homework assignments.

Now, my dad was not only a great character, but he loved the spotlight. So naturally, whenever I received an assignment for a  descriptive essay, he was my go-to best subject.   He saved a few of these gems in one particular photo album and, when I was a kid he repeatedly made me promise to read them at his funeral.  So in keeping with that promise, I will share some key excerpts:

From Seventh Grade: 

From 1977

"This man is not very tall, but is of average height.  He is 48 and his gray, balding hair is the color of a stormy day.  Unfortunately, he is always fighting "The Battle of the Bulge" but is on a diet so he can win that battle...."

Why he would want to be eulogized as short, bald, and fat is beyond me, but I digress...





From Freshman Year at Penn State:

Freshman Year

"Daddy, never Father, never Pops, never Dad; he’ll always be Daddy.  According to Daddy, there is no relationship as sacred as the relationship between a father and a daughter.  And just as he’ll always be my daddy, I’ll always be his little girl.

...What makes my father unique is that he truly respects me as a human being, not just some little kid with nothing valuable to say.  When I was younger, he regularly told me that I was 'wise beyond my years'.  As if, even though I’m his child, he actually has something to learn from me too.

My dad and I are very much alike.  We share many of the same qualities.  We both find beauty in the abstract.  Consequently, he is a photographer, and I am an artist.  We both take an interest in the theatre, we love old movies, and enjoy staying up late to watch them (musicals are our favorites!).  We can both be grouches, but we usually can find humor in any situation.  And in a curious way, we look alike..."

And then I ended the essay in a way my professor described as "disappointing" - and it went something like this: “Daddy and I aren't just father and daughter...we’re great buddies!" 

My professor was right, it was lame.  She challenged me to work for depth from start to finish, rather than opting for the easy way out.  So I stand here before you today, to fill in the blanks and to properly complete my 37 year old homework assignment.

Let's start at the beginning of his life with a few quick fast facts:

Born in 1928, my dad was the younger brother to his sisters Betty and Helen. Their parents, Sam the tailor and his wife Ida, were both immigrants, building their life in the Strawberry Mansion Section of Philadelphia.  At the age of eleven he joined a homing pigeon club, and raised and bred his own set of pigeons in a homemade coop that was situated on the roof of their little rowhouse.

Daddy the Pigeon-Boy

He wanted to see the world, so he joined the army while in his early twenties.  He worked in the Signal Corps operating a Teletype machine.  He spent most of his military time stationed in Japan, which he loved.  Apart from dealing with some anti semitism during his boot camp training, he spoke fondly of and was grateful for his military experience.

After serving honorably for two years, he came home and worked for Metropolitan Life as an insurance agent.  It was few years later that he met a young Joyce Freudberg.  When they met, she was also in the insurance business, running her own agency in Center City Philadelphia. He liked her immediately, and she liked him.  She gave him her phone number and three months later, from the Hot Shoppes Restaurant on York Road, he used the pay phone to call her.  Eight days after their first date (yes, EIGHT DAYS), they were engaged. By November of the same year (exactly 60 years ago this month), they became husband and wife.

Mom and Dad <3 td="">

This was also a business merger.  Dad started Bayard Insurance Agency from the basement of my parent's first home on Bayard Street in Mt. Airy.  Mom was his partner, handling the books, as well as the babies.  Wendi was born in 1961, I came into the picture three years later.

Mom and Dad had a great partnership.  They ran their business together and shared a passion for many of the same things.  Both adored their daughters, jazz music and political activism.

It is not lost on us that his funeral landed on Election Day.  Growing up in Cheltenham Township, our home served as a sort of headquarters for Cheltenham's Democratic Party.  I’ve often said that Election Days were the most important "holiday" we celebrated. Daddy served as the Chairman of the party for several years, and he and my mom were instrumental in building a democratic stronghold in Cheltenham Township after many years of Republican domination.

As a dad, he was different than the other fathers out there.   If I was having a bad day,  Daddy would stop everything to take me to the local Howard Johnson's.  He'd sip a large glass of iced tea while watching me devour an enormous hot fudge sundae. John Travolta in town?  My dad schlepped me and three of my best friends into the city to stand in line for an autograph.  The Flyers making an appearance at a car dealership?  Aaron Caplan would fit as many kids in the car as he could, on the off chance we might get a sliver of time with our Broad Street Bully heros.

The portfolio of photography he built was massive, incorporating everything from landscapes to wildlife, flora and fauna, to portraits of family and friends.  He’d have these photographs printed, matted and framed not only to display in our home, but he would routinely present these as gifts to his "models".  He never asked or expected any payment for these services, it was quite simply a labor of love.

Arches National Park, Utah

Tiger - Philadelphia Zoo

His favorite subjects 

Beyond photography, he loved Philadelphia sports, animals (although we never had our own) gardening, and collecting Life Magazines. He owned hundreds, if not thousands of issues, dating back to the 1930’s.  We would pour over these issues together, a combo lesson in art and history, giving me hands-on evidence of the speed at which our world has changed.

He loved food, and although as a kid I recall him being a real "steak and potatoes" kind of guy, he chose to be a pescatarian for the last forty-five years of his life.

He was the best dancer in any room, adding life and fun to any wedding or bar mitzvah all the ladies would line up to dance with him!

And of course, when it came to grandparenting, he was the one and only best "Gran-Dad" in the world!

He was a man of great gifts, but his greatest gift was how special and beloved he could make you feel. If he loved you, you knew it...there was no guessing.   Being loved by him was like having a teacher, philosopher and cheerleader all rolled into one impossibly adorable, sweet, sensitive lovely person.

Celebrating my parents 55th wedding anniversary

My mother’s death 16 months ago was an insurmountable loss.  He was such a rock and so strong for so long, but his poor broken heart struggled to keep beating without her.  He was lonely, and grieving and was determined to figure out how to thrive without his Joyce.   He tried desperately, and never gave up hope.  He would regularly complain about how sad he was, but always ended his thoughts by telling me, “It’s ok, tomorrow will be a better day" .

Welp, It’s tomorrow now, and he’s no longer with me.  But it IS a better day. It’s a better day, because I know his suffering is over.  And I know he and his Joy are dancing together once again.

 ***********************************************

Special note: Several days have passed since I read these words to our family and friends.  And I finally realized why it was so important to him that I share my seventh grade essay at his funeral.  It was never about him, or how he wanted to be remembered.  It was about ME.  It was his way of letting me know he was proud of me, he would always be proud of me; and, even as a middle school kid, or an young college freshman, my thoughts, my opinions, my musings had garnered his respect.  

Just look what he did!  He found a way to posthumously encourage and validate his little girl.  How blessed I am.  My daddy was a good man.  He led a good life.  And I’ll always be my daddy’s precious little girl. 

On July 16, 2018, my mother passed away.  My sister and father and I surrounded her in the early morning hours as she took her last breath, and we waited quietly while her heart gently stopped beating.  For the last five years, she suffered incomprehensibly.  She didn't quietly fade. It was ugly and torturous and my mother didn't deserve the living hell she endured.  Her last years were tragic, but her death was not.  Her death was, peaceful, and kind of beautiful.

I have shared so much over the years about her suffering, but I don't want that to be her legacy.  She was so much more than the final five years of her life.

I wrote her eulogy at 4:00am on the morning of her funeral.  I was exhausted, grieving, and I know for sure that it's not my best writing...however, I wanted to share the text here, so I'll have a permanent record.

So...for what it's worth...here it is:




My mom was the best mom.

She was born in 1933, to my beloved grandparents, Herman and Rose.  The youngest of three, her brothers, Raymond and Mike – (who were 11 and 9 years older), were fiercely protective of her, and according to my grandmother, still referred to her as the “baby” – right up to and beyond her wedding day.

In her youth, she was a popular girl, she loved reading and learning and going to school and Frank Sinatra.  Her years in high school were among her happiest times.  She had a lot of friends (she took great pride in the fact that many of her friends were the intellectual elite in her class), worked on the school paper – and was recognized at Olney High School as the class of 1951’s “most witty” female graduate.

Temple University followed, where she found her love of Shakespeare, jazz, and politics.
In her young adult life, she started her own insurance agency.  It was during this time that she ran into an old friend who introduced to a charming fellow by the name of Aaron Caplan.
Dad took Mom on their first date, to see the movie, “Some Like it Hot”, and 8 later, they were engaged.  He thought she was the nicest woman he’d ever met. 

By the time my sister and I were born, Joyce and Aaron had a little rowhouse on Bayard Street, which was also the home office of Bayard Insurance Agency.  The house sported three bedrooms, living room, dining room, one purple kitchen and a bathroom my mother lovingly wallpapered with pictures of Frank Sinatra (this by the way, was the first and last crafty thing she ever did).

My mother’s universe for the next 30 years revolved around her business, her family and democratic party.  Once we moved to Cheltenham Township, she and dad dove in and became party leaders. I spent my childhood walking door to door with my mom, handing out leaflets, listening to her encourage people to register to vote, helping them find ways to get to the polls on election day.  She was a staple outside of her district polling place, proudly wearing her buttons, greeting her neighbors (she knew EVERYONE) and encouraging everyone to vote blue.  She collected a bounty of interesting friends and characters who shared her passion for politics and social activism.  We had a constant flurry of new people in and out of our house, which sometimes felt just as much like “headquarters” as it did like home.  

With pride, I watched her win elections. She was a proud delegate to two national conventions, in 1976 for Morris Udall, 1980 for Ted Kennedy.  She was also elected Constable in the early 1990’s – sort of by accident – her name was placed on the ballot,  as a” placeholder”, because the dems didn’t have anyone to run against the long time incumbent.  She agreed to put her name on the ballot as a courtesy, expecting to lose. This way, the incumbent, who was doing a fine job, would keep his position and source of income.  What they never expected was that my mother was so well known and so beloved in the community, she won that election by a landslide.  She went on to faithfully execute the duties of her office, as well as deputizing the outgoing Constable so he could hold on to his job.

Her other love was of course Jazz Music.  She and Daddy befriended jazz great Milt Buckner in the early seventies.  Between recording albums, and performing in Europe, he would come to Philadelphia on a regular basis and perform at local venues.  He became “family” to us – (he referred to Mom has his “main sister”, Wendi and I called him Uncle Milt) – he’d stay at our house, perform at my parent’s parties, even performed a Standing Room Only concert in our living room  where tickets were sold to help raise money for the Cheltenham Dems.

When she suddenly lost her hearing in her left hear, it was merely a bump in the road, yet her hearing loss would prove to be one of my biggest heartbreaks for her, for it so severely disabled  someone who so loved talking to people and listening to music.  

And my mom was the best mom. She was not the mom who would greet you at the front door with a plate of freshly made cookies and lemonade, but she was the mom who would shlep you and your girlfriends on a bus to Washington DC to march for women’s rights.  

The center of her universe shifted quite dramatically after she became a grandma.  She waited 60 years, and in her words, became the worlds most obnoxious grandmother.  She spent that last nearly 25 years worrying, obsessing, and adoring her girls.  Hayley, Sydney, Addison and Lia-Rose were her everything. 

My mom was the best mom.  All of her energies were spent thinking about others. Whether it was fighting for social justice, making sure there was always a piece of fish in the freezer for my (non-meat eating) dad, educating and influencing her circle of friends by obsessively posting on Facebook, or texting me exactly 27 times a day to make sure I was ok and Wendi was ok and Gregg was ok and the girls were ok…but, really she was making sure we understood that family always comes first.  She was the best mom.

Mom first became very ill 5 years ago.  And during those initial days of her illness, watching as she was breathing only with the help of a ventilator, I prayed for her recovery.  I was desperate not to lose her. I wasn’t ready.

My mother valiantly survived that health crisis and lived nearly five more years.  

Each day since then, she has suffered so much, from the indignity of having to rely on others to to bathe and dress, to be dependent on oxygen, multiple medications, and daily insulin injections, to the frustration of being so hearing impaired that even a casual conversation was nearly impossible; to the agony of having a chronic and severe cough.

But my mom was the best mom – and this is why.  She knew.  She knew five years ago we weren’t ready to lose her. She knew that it was inevitable that one day, we would have to say goodbye, but she wanted to make sure we would be able to manage our loss. 

 She suffered, suffered terribly for five years.  But I don’t think she suffered in vain.  I think this was the last big “mom” thing she did for us. She suffered so that we could be prepared. She readied us to say goodbye.  She prepared us for this day.

A few weeks ago, she told me, when she passes, we shouldn’t feel sad.  We should be happy for her, for she will be no longer be suffering.  And just a while before she passed, she opened her eyes, looked up at the ceiling, and smiled...a big, wide, smile that looked like pure happiness.  

 Although I will miss her every day, I am happy. My mom suffered so bravely, for so long, that knowing she is out of pain, feels good.  And though, for my whole life, the thought of losing my magnificent mother was one of the things I feared most of all, I know,  she selflessly prepared us for this moment.

 My mom, was the best mom.

Fly Fly Away

Hayley is fully ensconced in a new life, a new journey; one that she chose, regardless of the advice of her elders.  Regardless of the "order" of things.  She has embraced a life that is her own.  And though a piece of this anxious Jewish Mother wants her right back next to me, cradled in my arms, saying goodnight to the moon and the stars; I know that she is happy.

When she was just a baby I wrote a letter to her in her baby book. "Just be happy", I pleaded. That's all we can ever hope for our children, really.  Because, in the end, that's all that matters...that you were happy, that you were surrounded by love and you have given and received love generously, isn't it?   And so, to that level I am pleased as punch...jumping for joy.  Because my oldest girl, this old soul, who, as a baby cried more than any baby before or since;  fussed til her parents were collapsed in exhaustion, only started to become happy when she gained control of her world.  As she gained strength in her neck and could hold up her head, sit up independently, crawl, walk, and talk (and boy, could she talk!) it was only then that she became a happy child. When she was in control of herself.

I have been asked so many times by so many people how I FEEL about her move. If I'm being completely honest; I'm jumping for joy!   She is a butterfly, her spirit soars.  She has had adventures in her (almost) 22 years that I wouldn't even dare dream.  My fears, my anxieties and my lack of confidence strapped me in to a more traditional existence; but boy, just once in my life, I would have liked to have been someone like this beautiful creature who I brought into this world.

I know she adores her family.  I know we adore her.  This isn't a girl running to an exotic destination to run away from anything.  This is a girl who ran to an exotic destination to live rather than just exist.  And, hell, when you are young and unencumbered by adulthood, isn't this the perfect time to do just that?

I thank God for Indigo, her puppy, who found her by fate.  Because I know she and and Indigo will take care of each other.  Be unconditional best friends when life gets challenging.

I miss my girl.  So so much.  But I also know, that she is living her life.  Happy, loving , generous, independent and kind. 

She is not like me, but she is just like me.  The part of me inside myself.  The part of me that wants to fly into the wind and dance with the butterflies.  The part of me that wants to walk barefoot in the jungle and make friends with every character I meet.  The part of me that wants to spread a little magic wherever I go and to whomever I touch.

So, in answer to your question, the truth is, I couldn't be more proud.

May 5th, 1989

Twenty-six years ago, Cinco de Mayo fell on a Friday. It was a rainy day, the weather on the cusp of bursting into summer weather. But that day, it was a little chilly, and very gray. A week before, I had moved out of my parents house, a little overdue for the move, considering I was already 25. I was living in a tiny apartment in an old South Philly neighborhood, not far from South Street and the Italian market. I worked for an insurance company, where my paycheck afforded a lifestyle that included weekly trips to the Limited Express for clothing, chinese food for lunch everyday, $290. per month rent, and evenings out as a young, single girl in the city.

Nineteen years ago today, I was elated to finally be out on my own, and to celebrate, Irisa and another friend (what was her name?) came to see my pad, and walk over to JC Dobbs, to see Irisa's favorite band at the time, The Rivals. We spent a lot of time at rock and roll clubs, and had our favorite bands, Tommy Conwell, The Hooters, The Rivals...

The Rivals were a poppy 80's band by anyones standards, The band members wore mullets, with plenty of mousse to extend the top of their heads, diamond stud earrings, tight ljeans, metal belts, brightly colored shirts. We loved going to see them, and stand in the front and make eye contact with the band members.

The band was playing at JC Dobbs, and they were probably a little ill-suited for that venue. Dobbs, a philly institution, was a down and dirty rock club. Nirvana had played there before they were well known, as well as a host of other famous bands.

Normally, when I went out, I was hoping, maybe to meet a guy, so I'd get dolled up, and do a lot of eyelash batting. This particular evening, however, I was just about DONE with men. I had been hurt one time too many by other boyfriends, and I just felt finished. I wore old jeans, a tank top, bo-bo sneakers, and a blazer.

We arrived at the club and just hung out for a while chatting together. A large group of guys and girls walked in a little later, and they looked a little clean cut for the down and dirty atmosphere of JC Dobbs. One guy, taller than the rest, light haired, came in with a big smile on his face, a green sweater with a white turtleneck underneath and he was palling around with another girl. Though they were together, I got the distinct impression, that it was a platonic relationship, even though they hugged several times.

I leaned over to Irisa, and commented, "that guy is SOOOOO cute". Too bad he's too young for me. He looked about 22 and just out of college. Maybe a preppy fraternity type. He would definitely not be attracted to a little short Jewish girl from the suburbs. But he was so cute.

I couldn't stop looking at him, but could not work up the courage to go up and say hello. He had some other friends there, and one particular guy, seemed goofy and approachable, so I figured, maybe I can get an introduction through the goofy, approachable guy.

I approached this guy, who spoke like a surfer dude and informed me that his name was Crank. (I later found out that his name was Craig, I just didn't really understand him). We chatted for a while, and just like I planned, I was able to get intro to the cute tall blonde guy. He was holding two drinks, when "Crank" intoduced me to him.

"This is my friend, Gregg". Gregg looked down and juggled his glasses to free up a hand to shake mine. His eyes had a sparkle that made me smile, and I immediately felt comfortable in his presence.

He walked away, soon after our introduction, and I thought, well, "he's just not that into me."

A little later, I went to the bar to get a beer, and I peered down to my right, and saw Gregg standing there. I gave him a little wave, and he waved back and motioned to the bartender that he wanted to pay for my drink.

He came over to me, and asked me to dance. I was so surprised, because he actually could dance, which pretty unusual for most men. As we danced to the music, I inexplicably uttered my first words ever to my future husband, which to this day I find cheesy and embarrassing.

"You're a really good dancer...for a guy" Way to win him over, Lori.

Soon after, the band took a break and we went to the side of the stage to chat. I sat on a step, and he leaned on a rafter, looking down at me. He was so gorgeous, I couldn't believe he was talking to me. But, I started my interview.

"How old are you? What do you do for a living? Where do you live?"

28, Vice President of a printing company, South Jersey.

Pretty good credentials, I thought, not the 22 year old frat boy that I thought he was.

We spent the rest of the evening together, and when the bar was ready to close, we weren't ready to stop hanging out.

The girl he had arrived with, her name, Terri, came over to talk to me. She was very pretty, with light brown hair and gorgeous light eyes. She seemed friendly and intelligent, and frankly, like someone I'd be friends with. With both of her hands she grabbed mine. The looked at me, with a serious and heartfelt look, said,

"I want you to know, he's the nicest guy in the world". Wow. He must be a great guy, I thought, and it pretty much sealed the fact that, to get a recommendation from a cool girl like this, I was pretty lucky.

We ended up hanging out at my apartment after the bar closed. I told him, "I want to hang out, but I'm not like...THAT". He assured me with his smile that he was a gentleman, and thankfully, my instincts were right.

We left the club, and stopped at a Wawa across the street. We bought ice cream sundae fixings and walked in the pouring rain back to my apartment. We began our relationship by eating junk food at my kitchen table. We stayed up talking for the rest of the night.

Nineteen years, three children, two dogs, and one fish later, we are still here.

Once in a while, I look over at him and think, "he's just some guy I met in a bar". And boy, was I lucky to be there, Nineteen Years Ago Today.

Second Chances

In the cold, gray days of November,  I would watch my mother. The machine would help her breathe, I would hold her hand, comb her hair.  I would say goodnight, and wonder if she would still be with us in the morning.  In my mind I reflected on her life, our relationship, on all the things I'd never said.  In my mind I planned her shiva, shuddering at the thought of never again being held in her loving embrace.  Back in November, I thought this was the end.  The time in my life I dreaded so deeply, but I knew was inevitable.

These six months have been the hardest six months of her life.  No one should have to endure the pain, the trauma, the loss of dignity that she has had to endure.  There were days that I was wracked with guilt that maybe we prayed a little too hard for her to survive, for she seemed so unhappy to have woken up.

The road has been long.   Tiny victories along the way.  She never saw them as a big deal.  But even learning to comb her own hair, to swallow spoonful of applesauce, to dial the telephone...these were all milestones in her journey.

The road ahead is long as well.  But she has taken her first, slow, steady steps out of her wheelchair.  She is settling in a new home, making new friends, creating new memories.

And today, on Mother's Day, a day I was sure we would never get to celebrate together again, we sat on the patio together, soaking in the sun, holding hands.  And I realize that we are the lucky ones.   I get that second chance to show her how much I love her, to tell her how I feel....a second chance I once thought would never come....

Thank you, my Mommy for being my strong, intelligent, powerful role model.  For loving us so unconditionally, for placing us in the center of your world.  For being my safety net, for being my cheering section.  For believing in me, for looking at me every day (still) like I am still your little girl...for making me feel safe, for assuring me.  Thank you for being so funny, so able to laugh at nonsense, to always know how to make people smile.  Thank you for being so pragmatic, so logical, for always just knowing the right answer.   Thank you for forgiving me when I've been wrong, or disrespectful or just didn't know better.  Thank you for showing me what it means to be a GREAT mother...although I'm sure I will never possess the patience and selflessness that you showed me. 

And finally, on this Mother's Day, I thank you, my Mommy, for sticking around a little longer...so I could get the chance to share the sunshine with you once more...

Notes from the ICU

When the doctor first told us that my mother was being transferred to Intensive Care, it was rather casual, a "precaution", nothing to be too upset about.  We hardly realized that the journey was just beginning, and we were about to spend weeks and weeks on a roller coaster ride for which we never realized we were in line.

I'd never been to a Critical Care Unit, and when I first entered, I tried to hold my head down - to give dignity to people whose dignity was probably left on the floor of the ambulance that brought them here.  But like a bad accident, it's hard not to peak.  And in the past three and one half weeks, I have seen a lot.

A lot of bodies breathing mechanically, each with the same items hanging from the IV rack: the light brown bag is the food that is fed through the nose.  The clear bags are the antibiotics and fluids.  The white bottle is Propofol - the sedative (and if you aren't familiar with it, just Google "Michael Jackson", and you'll get your answer).  Each body has a monitor next to it with numbers.  The top two are heart rate.  The middle one is oxygen intake.  The bottom is breaths per minute.  The final numbers are blood pressure.

I pass each one, day after day. I compare their numbers with my mother's.  I'm not sure why.

The machines beep, and blurp and hiss and sound more like circus clown horns than ventilator alarms.  Each noise makes me jump out of my skin just a little...but the nurses are calm, and don't react until the beeps start to repeat and get louder.

Once in a while, a young patient appears.  A woman in her twenties, freckle faced, curly red hair.  Her father spends every moment by her side.   A man in his fifties, sitting up in his bed, hands propped behind his head.  No blankets, feet crossed.  He watches football.  He looks like he's vacationing. A mom in her thirties, who has a large family rallying for her.  Everyone in her room must be cloaked in sterile robes and masks.

But most are old.  Grey.  Frail.  Small.  One, a lady who suffered a heart attack while being treated for lung cancer, had her machines disconnected.  Her monitor is blank, no flashing lights, no beeping.  She lays in the darkened room straining for each breath. Her daughters sit by her side, one is knitting an outfit for a baby.  I come in the next day, and the room is empty.

There is a waiting room.  Serene colors and comfortable furniture.  Sometimes it is a place to have quiet, to cry, to collect.  Other times, it feels like a party, with  friends and family gathered, catching up, laughing.  Sometimes, the hospital chaplain, Monica, stops by.  She is gentle, and kind, and wise.  She is happy to spend a half hour with us, catching up, listening to us, holding our hands.  She's become our friend, part of our inner circle.

Back in the unit, Mom's room sits right outside the nurse's station.  And over the weeks the faces are all familiar.  The young surgeon who is as skilled with a scalpel as he is with offering  words of comfort; the army of pulmonologists who change shifts every four days.  The unit secretary who sits at the computer - she's had only one or two days off since we've been here.  And the nurses.  Oh, the nurses.  They take care of my mom, and sometimes, they take care of us.  When my sister became overcome with emotion, it was the nurses who offered comfort with an embrace.   When we try to put our medical "two cents" in (AKA: reciting everything we learned from GOOGLE) They are respectful and compassionate.  Plus they do a lot of dirty work... I couldn't stomach what they do for a moment, yet they do it every day, with grace and professionalism.

The frail bodies lie there, but day after day, you start to notice changes.  The woman in 307, who was on a ventilator 2 days ago is breathing on her own today.  The frail lady down the hall is sitting up in the bedside chair, with a tray of food beside her.  The gentleman next door took a walk down the hall with the help of two therapists.  These are the moments I look to, and pray for when I look at my mom. She has come far.  She has a long way to go.

As I walk the halls of the ICU,  I see body after body, lying in each room.  Most are alone.  In darkened rooms with bare walls.  (How is it that you can leave your loved one alone when they are so seriously ill?)  But when you arrive at my mom's room, you see dozens of cards and pictures and mementos on the wall, a constant reminder of all she has to live for.  Messages on her dry-erase board from her granddaughters: "We love you!" "Be strong" "Nothing to fear but fear itself!" And she has her family.  We are a constant.  We are her advocates.  We are her cheering section.

She is blessed.  Beyond compare.

I hope that our roller coaster ride in the ICU ends uneventfully and ends soon.  But I'm humbled to have had the opportunity to have spent the past few weeks of my life witnessing life, death, healing and compassion.   I have gained insight and wisdom, and learned that I can withstand more than I knew I could.  My greatest wish is that Mom would have never gotten sick, and we'd never have to be here.  But since that is not to be, I am strangely grateful.

Thank you to all for the unending love and support.
xx

On Gratitude and Miracles

A few days late, but this year, our season of gratitude is coinciding with the season of miracles...and this year, with my mother's difficult health situation.

We celebrated our "Thanksgivukkah" at The Country Club Diner on Cottman Avenue in Philadelphia.  We congregated there, because it was the closest restaurant to the hospital, where my mother lays, in Intensive Care, sedated and hooked up to a ventilator.

The food was fine, the company was wonderful, but we were not home.  I missed out on my yearly tradition of waking up early to get the bird in the oven - sitting down now and then to watch the Broadway performances at the  Macy's Parade.   As the day continues I putter around, and the aroma of our upcoming feast begins to waft through the air. The girls make their way down, and we watch the Dog Show, and somebody sneaks a taste of pumpkin pie, or mashed potato, or my (fantastic) home-made cranberry sauce....and this will undoubtedly anger me...My dad is the resident turkey carver, and he is sure to make a terrible mess slicing the turkey, but no one else wants to take the job from him, because, it is our tradition.  I prepare for days, we eat in minutes, and then all that is left is to clean up and collapse with exhaustion.  It is on days like this, that my house feels more like a home, and I feel satisfaction, to be filled with so much abundance, and so much to be grateful for.

Our dinner at the diner this year was quiet, subdued, and although I ate turkey with all the trimmings, I didn't feel abundance and appreciation.  I just felt  exhausted, and sad, and helpless.

But this is a season of Gratitude.  And over the past week, I have realized how much I have to be grateful for.   Small things that surprised me, and big things that humble me...all of these things are now filling my head, unless I write them down, they will keep spinning in my head....

So, here goes:

I am grateful for the staff at Jeanes Hospital.  Doctors and Nurses who don't just look at my mommy as a laboratory specimen, but as the vibrant, intelligent, wonderful mom that we need in our lives for many more years.  They treat her with dignity and respect; and show equal concern for the well being of my father as he resolutely waits by her bedside praying for her recovery.

I am grateful for the Hebrew students at Congregation Beth Shalom.  They made menorahs out of craft foam and felt; so we could "light" the menorah in her hospital room.   We add a candle each day, and I pray my mommy will be awake and breathing independently before the last candle is lit.

I am grateful that my mom had the foresight to purchase extra toothbrushes at the dollar store.  Certainly came in handy when I unexpectedly found myself sleeping in my old bedroom back on Church Rd.  (Even if they are Power Ranger toothbrushes with an approximate two day life span).

I am also grateful for my new found knowledge, that you really only need two outfits...and a washing machine...and I have learned that the world will not end if I go a day or two without mascara and eyeliner...and I am equally grateful that the doctors and nurses don't appear to be judging me.

I am grateful for my sense of humor...for the flexibility of our souls to navigate from a moment filled with grief and fear  to uproarious laughter in the next.  I know it's good to get those tears out, but it is equally okay to giggle now and then, too.

I am grateful for my Dad's positive attitude.  If you ask him how he is, he responds, "I'm fine...I'm a tough son-of -a-bitch," and boy, he sure is.  When I'm with him, I feel like I'm eight years old again, and he is my perfect, strong hero...reassuring me that we will all be okay.

I am grateful for my big sister, the more mature one...because I learned that we both have different gifts to offer in this situation...she takes action, she plans, she organizes; ..none of these things are my strong suit...and I have learned our personalities are a perfect balance....and I am especially grateful that even when I lose my temper now and then, she is quick to forgive me...because she understands that we stand in this uncharted territory together.

I am grateful for the other man in my life, my incredible husband.  I left him and my girls to be closer to both my parents.  He has taken on additional responsibilities without hesitation, and remains unwavering in his support for whatever I have to do...

For my wonderful boss, who gets it when I say, "I can't be anywhere but by my parent's side...", even during the busiest time of year.   I hope she knows that if the situation were reversed, I would be there for her in a heartbeat.  I thank her for her kindness and humanity.

For my children, who braved the sights of the ICU to see their beloved grandmom, to hold her hand, and to comfort her ; and to sit with my dad and help him pass the time by listening to his funny stories and pontifications.  They continue to amaze me every day...

I am grateful for my iPhone, even though it died on me for a day.  For with my iPhone, I can Google a medical term, look up a surgeon's credentials, text a friend, look at an old picture of my mom and even play a game or two of Candy Crush to pass the time.

I am grateful for Facebook, for the love and support I have received from far and wide is astounding.  Just a note reminding me how special my mom is, or that prayers are being sent our way is of great comfort...even during the worst moments.

I am grateful for prayer - for that is where I go when the moments are quiet...and I find that I mostly pray for strength...

I am grateful for hope - it's what gets me through the night.

I am mostly grateful for my mom...for being an incredible role model, a caring friend, an activist, a businesswoman, a devoted wife, mother and obsessive grandmother.  She placed us in  the center of her world, and I hope she knows how much I appreciate her love, her energy and her strength.

So in this season of Gratitude and Miracles, even though my Thanksgivakkuh feast was less than perfect, there is much to appreciate...and I truly haven't forgotten  (well, maybe for just a moment)...

Next step?  Patiently waiting for our Miracle.  And I will wait for as long as it takes...

Just....stop.

It just keeps going. Time, that is.   No stopping.  No frozen moments.  It just continues on, changing everything in its wake.   I used to be a young mom, juggling diapers, sippy cups and playdates.  Then, I was a soccer mom--lacing cleats, keeping score, planning celebratory pizza parties.  I was a camp mom...enduring the summer heat and less than favorable living conditions so I could share in the joy that is camp with my girls.  Then they got a little bigger, and when it was time to loosen the reins, just a little bit...overnight, it seemed, they slipped right out of my grasp.   They grew up.  

How did they change so much, when I still feel new at this?

My life before them, was really, just the time I would spend waiting for them. Longing to have a family of my own, to be "Mom".  I imagined I'd be perfect.   Always patient, kind, always ready with a band-aid, comforting words, homework help.  Dinner ready every night.   Laundry always washed and folded.  Patience never thin. I'd be a great role model, friend, yet firm disciplinarian.

On some days, I think I was pretty perfect.  On others...many others, I'm quite sure I fell short of perfection.  I gave in a little too much, lost patience a lot, and I'm not even going to mention the laundry.  It's just that I always thought there would be a tomorrow to try to get it right again.  But the tomorrow's are waning.  Hayley has already finished freshman year in college.  She has friends that I may never meet, a life I will never fully share, and a path that she needs to forge on her own.    And now Sydney is graduating high school.  And all over again, this weird mixture of pride, joy and dread at the inevitable chore of letting go, has taken hold.

In a little more than a week, both of my oldest girls will be headed to camp for the summer.  This time, as staff members.  And that's it.  They'll come home for a few days before they go off to college, but essentially our life with just one child at home starts in just a few days.  This is a brand new chapter.  

I hope I can give Addie the patience and perfection that often eluded me during her sisters' teenaged years.  I hope she will enjoy her next 6 years as an "only" child.  I pray my house is filled with love and joy and abundance.  That I remember to treasure every little milestone in her journey. That I won't forget that in the blink of an eye, this familiar dread will reappear and we will be waving goodbye to her as well.

In the meantime, I'll be holding back the tears for the next few weeks, as we watch Sydney reach this milestone.   It's bittersweet.  It's exciting.  And for me, it's the tomorrow I never realized would get here so quickly.

Abundance.

Today, I  am grateful.

I am newly employed!  So lucky to have a position with a company that allows me to make use of my creativity, gives me a flexible schedule, and if all goes well,  perhaps make a considerable contribution to my family.

I am balancing this new career with the needs of my family. School forms completed? Check!  School shoes purchased?  Check! Groceries? Check!  Dinner?  Already cooked, ready to go!  Bathrooms?  Well, maybe they could be cleaner...but...Check!

My work life in the recent past has been filled with positions that have been physically and (sometimes) mentally taxing.   So, upon my return home, there was very little left of me to share with my loved ones.  My current job, is certainly not physically difficult.  My worst complaint is that my index finger might get a little numb from over clicking the mouse, or my neck may get fatigued from sitting in one position, or at the very worst, I lose my voice from talking too much...(But then again, I always talk too much!)

I have more energy to share with those most important to me, and I am grateful.

Thanks to this newly discovered energy,  I am more aware of the abundance in my life, than I have been in years.  First of all, I'm writing again!  I didn't even realize how much I'd missed it.    And little things, like clean sheets, a refrigerator filled with food, a evening snuggle...I am beginning to recognize that these little moments need to be celebrated and appreciated, just as much as the big moments, like graduations and birthdays..

So today, on Yom Kippur, as we are think  about atonement and repentance, I am feeling reflective about  my past.

I am  guilty of spending to much time ruminating upon what I don't have instead  about what I do have.  If only I_________________. (had less wrinkles,  a bigger bank account, a smaller waistline, a more satisfying career, more closet space, less anxiety, more, well just ....fill in the blank). 

What a waste of  energy!.

Thankfully,  I am evolving.  I am putting into perspective what is really important. A  loving marriage.  Happy children.  Friends who care.  Family, whose arms are infinitely open and ready to catch us if we fall...Health, both mental and physical.  And, finally,  a sense of humor when one or more of  those things isn't going so well..  And boy...sometimes they really aren't!

But, I am blessed beyond measure.  I really am.  I know my husband knows that.  I pray my kids understand that.  And my hope for the coming year?  It is simply to remember these little blessings, the building blocks of my abundant life...and to appreciate them every single day...

Wished Away

Years ago, when the kids we're young I read a list, compiled by the wonderful Erma Bombeck, reflecting on all the things she might like to re-do, if she had the chance.

One in particular always stuck with me.

"Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I’d have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle."

It wasn't the God, or the Miracle part that got to me (to be completely honest, I had no recollection whatsoever about that part), but it was the idea of "wishing" something away.

And boy have I done a ton of that.

I wished those early days of colic would end. They were terrible.

I wished she could sleep through the night, eat solid food, sit up unassisted, crawl, walk....

I wished she would get potty trained more quickly, so we could stop spending so much money on diapers.

I wished she would grow up and get along with her buddies instead of biting them and leaving teeth marks on their arms as a souvenir.

I wished she wouldn't cry and carry on every time I dropped her at preschool.

I wished she would get along nicely with her sisters.

I wished she wouldn't argue with me about tucking in her shirt, or which socks she was going to wear. I wished she would just listen once in a while.

I wished she would grow up more quickly.

And then one day, she was a teenager.

And then I stopped wishing she would grow up more quickly, and started wishing that the growing up would slow down.

I wished she didn't want to have her eyebrows waxed, her hair highlighted, or her belly button pierced.

I wished I didn't have to ask her to "make wise choices" every time I dropped her at a party.

I wished I didn't have to pick her up at midnight. Or one. Or two. Then, I wished that she didn't have a drivers license so I wouldn't have to wait up and worry until she got home.

And, finally, I wished that this moment wouldn't get here so fast.

Tomorrow morning, my Hayley, my oldest, leaves for college. She's ready, more than ready. The car is packed, her courses are picked, and she's said her goodbyes to all of her friends.

And I'm proud of her, excited for her, confident in her ability to find success in all of her endeavors. She's smart and kind and loyal and beautiful. She's sensitive and funny and energetic and determined. She's my pride. My joy.

I have only one problem.

I just wish we didn't have to say goodbye so soon.

Sigh.

Happily Ever After...Twenty Years and Counting

August 29th,1992...I was young. So young, I had no idea. I woke up to crystal clear skies, the first autumnal chill of the season and to the day I would become a Mrs. My concerns for that moment in time were few.  A) not being late to the beauty salon, and B) hoping that the hive that materialized  on my face that morning wasn't a zit.

I was a princess of a bride, decked out in a meringue of tulle and Alencon Lace. My hair meticulously teased and pinned into a loose bun, and my skin uncharacteristically bronzed from a six week stint at Sun Capsule. I was fairytale perfection.

My groom, my Prince Charming, was perfect, too. When he saw me for the first time for pictures prior to the ceremony, he fell to his knees and cried in my arms. He was dashingly handsome, described by my mother's cousin as "a romantic figure of a man". ..which, as silly as it sounds, made me feel like the luckiest girl on earth.

My mother dazzled us all, wearing a white, sparkling, beaded gown, blowing kisses and waving like Miss America as she walked down the aisle.

And my father, robust and handsome in his tuxedo, told me to "milk it" just before we took our first steps. We took the SLOWEST walk imaginable! As he handed me off to my groom, he gave Gregg a pat on the back that nearly knocked him over!

My sister, sporting an Ivana Trump hairdo, put on a brave face and endured a tough day as she watched her little sister take the first walk down the aisle. She stole the show at the reception toasting us, quoting "When You Wish Upon A Star"...telling us, how thrilled she was that we both wished upon the same star...

It was perfect. Even when the judge asked if Gregory Peter would like to take Jori Lil as his lawfully wedded wife...it was fairytale perfect.

Gregg's grandpa, though ill, (and he actually passed away only four days later) was there with us. We had friends fly in from California to be there. Our aunts and uncles, our cousins, our nieces, our friends...all with us to toast our perfectly promising future.

And we lived happily ever after.

It's been twenty years.

Twenty years!

Twenty. Freakin'. Years. How the hell did this HAPPEN?

Today, twenty years later, my cares are far deeper than a stray zit or a missed appointment. Twenty years later, my reality is watching my oldest daughter pack up her life and move 5 hours away from me. For the first time in 14 years, I will not have a child in elementary school, as my baby heads off to middle school. And my middle girl is a high school senior...they are all growing up much faster than I ever expected.

Nothing feels easy anymore. Being young thirty-somethings almost seems like playing house compared to these times. Jobs change. Friends come and go. Our parents and aunts and uncles are aging. WE are aging. Our medical issues are no longer about fertility or migraines, but cholesterol levels and degenerating discs. The house that seemed so empty and big when we moved in, is crammed with stuff we have spent twenty years accumulating. The laundry's never completely done, the bills keep getting worse and the cat box always needs attention. We worry. We agonize. We take small moments for granted. We even take each other for granted, now and then.

Happily ever after isn't always easy.

Guess what, though...IT'S OKAY! I can't help but still adore him. He actually makes my heart skip a beat every night when he comes home from work. He puts up with my baloney, I put up with his.

Is it perfect at this moment? Probably not. This year will go down as one of our most challenging ever. But looking back, it's been pretty great. And looking forward, well...I still believe in fairytales...

Here's to more happily ever afters...

With love and adoration...

As my daughter graduates...

There are a just a handful of future moments that a mom thinks about from the moment her baby is born.   Your first day of school, your wedding day and today...the day you graduate from high school.   I haven't been thinking too much about today...until today.  It's just been sitting there...on the horizon...I could see it in the distance, but chose not to dwell on it.  It just hurts a little too much.  This is the day that I will let go, just a little bit more...and I know that I have to, I just don't wanna.  I want to kick and scream and have a tantrum and wonder "HOW?"  How did this moment appear, much quicker than I expected?

You have made me proud every moment of every day.  Your determination.  Your energy.  Your drive.  Your intelligence.  Your loyalty.  Your creative spirit.  Your beauty.  You take my breath away.

One would think that I deserve a pat on the back raising this amazing young woman.  But, darling, I  can take no credit for who you are.  You are who you are in spite of me...you came into this world as a fiery and intense baby, and grew into a dynamic and accomplished young adult.

Life lessons to share?  I have plenty, but lately, I feel like I'm learning more from you....you have taught me so much: Be passionate. Be strong.  Be kind.  Be a good friend.  Be a good daughter.  Call your mom just because you want to say hello.  Snuggle.  Be kind to animals.  Love your sisters.  Learn.  Work hard.  Love deeply.  Laugh at everything.  Stay organized. Travel. Smile.  Care.   Don't take no for an answer. 

 So on this day, a day that I have been dreading for 18 years and 7 months...please know that I am bursting with pride...I love you.  Always.

Remembering Dr. Schuster....

(This is a note I signed in a memorial guestbook for Dr. Schuster, my favorite college professor)

In 1982, I was a college freshman, at Penn State, in Abington. I didn’t exactly set the world on fire in high school, and I came to college determined to turn around my questionable reputation as a student. My first day, I showed up in Dr. Schuster’s class. He was charming, charismatic and energetic. Our first assignment: a descriptive essay. I summoned up as many vocabulary words I remembered from high school, and painstakingly wrote a five-page essay, describing a day in my life. To my horror, he refused to grade the paper, and returned it to me with a note simply stating, “This isn’t what I asked for. You need to re-do this”.



Back to the drawing board.



I wrote the next essay, instead, from my heart. Nearly effortlessly, I wrote a descriptive essay about my dad. With my words, I painted a clear picture of my father. As I submitted my assignment, I held my breath, hoping that, this time, I’d gotten a little closer to what Dr. Schuster wanted.



Apparently I had. I got an A.



This was the first in a long line of A’s I would receive for that class. And with each assignment, I not only received the requisite grade, but also a commentary from him…explaining to me exactly what he loved about my writing.



I treasured those papers I’d written for him almost as much as I treasured his comments. They encouraged me, they challenged me but most of all they validated me.



Several years later, I ran into him. I was in my early 20’s, and just trying to figure out my life’s direction. As I told him my plans, he shook his head with disdain.



“I don’t care what you think you are. You are a writer.”



In my whole academic career, I had never been given a gift as great as what he gave me in that moment. Here was someone I respected deeply, and he believed in me!



I would love to conclude this note by telling you that I took his advice and became a successful author, or journalist…but, well…I didn’t. But I never forgot his words. And in a very big way, he encouraged me to trust my own artistic vision, to express myself and to create from the heart.



I am lucky, that in my life, I had one teacher who really made a difference. And for me, that teacher was Ed Schuster. I am just sorry that I never got the chance to tell him that myself.



My thoughts and prayers are with your family at this time, may his memory be a blessing.

Working Mommy

Yes, it's been 8 months or so since I last posted on this blog. Facebook and Twitter have proven to be an easier and more direct way to communicate. But really, who I am blogging for? An anonymous audience, my dear friends or for myself. Really, it's for myself. So, maybe I blog every day, more likely I blog once in a blue moon. But today I felt like writing. I needed to write. I'm not sure what I'll come up with, but that's okay too...


Well, I have have become a working mommy. Ever so much out of focus, and not capable of holding just one simple job...I have collected 4 part time jobs, that are keeping me super busy...and the most important job, 'mommy' blessedly remains.

Job #1 : Camp - Art Lady - Two Months a year of 24 hour a day intensity. Ten Months of preparation.
Job #2 : Pottery Lady - I actually got HIRED to work in a "Paint your own Pottery" studio. AND I LOVE IT...it's kind of like being the Camp Art Lady all year round.
Job #3: Digital Video Editor/Producer - sound crazy, right? Not really. Together with my co-movie producer from camp, we are embarking on a new venture. We make Bar/Bat Mitzvah Montages, Video Biographies and Video Portraits...we have a really exciting and challenging project already contracted for, and we are hoping that this little venture turns into a very big venture.
Job #4: Jewelry Designer - So, funny story...last November, a friend who is involved with my school's PTA asked if I wouldn't mind putting together a little something for a craft show they were holding at the elementary school. "Sure, whatevs" I replied. I made these cutesy little necklaces (and frankly sold them at rock bottom prices) and sold a veritable TON. (In fact, I think the other crafters were a little annoyed that day, because I was the only one that sold anything!) They were so well received, I started receiving phone calls from people wanting to buy more! I am now selling them at two local retail venues, I have another order to custom design another 150 necklaces for a fund raiser, and it feels like it's getting bigger than I could have possibly imagined. Fingers crossed.


So 5 days a week, I am officially working. I get home at night, and like any good working mom, I get dinner on the table, and prep for the next day to do it all over again. I'm working, working hard, but it's so much fun to be doing something other than laundry and grocery shopping, that it almost feels like I'm playing. I'm sure this will wear off. But I'm enjoying it for now!

So this is the hard part. I finally get "MOMMY GUILT". My girls are missing me. My husband is missing me. I'm not there after school, with a snack or a few word of encouragement. The laundry pile got EVEN bigger. It's hard to keep up with the housework.

Having two full fledged teenagers now, has made life even more mentally taxing. It has gotten so hard, that I almost laugh at my angst about raising a 13 year old.

This is hardly a well written post. This is hardly a meaningful post.

I'm living a chaotic life right now, and this post is pretty reflective of the tone of my current state.

The End.!

Home Sweet Home?

When my oldest daughter was born, I was a young insurance underwriter, not particularly enjoying my job. But I was making good money and had good benefits. We'd just purchased our first house and had a big mortgage payment hovering above.

There was no question that I would need to go back to work within three months after her birth. No problem, right? Everybody does it, this is the world we live in.

She was a fussy baby. Yes, colicky...to the extreme. She was an extraordinarily beautiful baby, with a head full of dark hair and fine delicate features, but boy, was she loud. No one could comfort her like me. No one could love her like me.

As I nursed her (it seemed constant), I would look down at her little face and try to figure out how I could possibly leave her. How could I place her in day care? How will anyone else know how to soothe her? She was so fussy, how would anyone have more patience for her than me?

I would compare the expense of GOING to work (work clothes, commuting, the cost of daycare, the cost of lunches everyday) versus the loss of my salary.

It was clear, I couldn't give up my income.

But I did. I had to. Because for the first time in my life, I had a responsibility that I LOVED. I couldn't leave that to go back to something that I despised.

So I left. Money was tight. But I was where I needed to be.

And I became a Stay at Home Mom.

And I still am. It's been 16 years.

But every summer, for 7 years, I become a working mom for 8 weeks. And during that time, I get to do something that I really love. Really enjoy. Really treasure.

I'm listened to. I'm respected. I'm able to help. I'm able to teach, to create, to collaborate. I make decisions, I set a good example. I'm shown appreciation.

That feels good.

And then I come home.

They don't listen so much around here. (Pick up that towel...pick up that towel...PICK UP THAT TOWEL!!!)
They don't show a whole lot of respect. ("Mom, could you not wear your hair like that, it EMBARRASSES ME")

I'm a chauffeur, cook, laundress, maid, psychologist, nurse, entertainment director, censor and most often, a referee. And I'm not shown appreciation.

I think it's time to go back to work.

I need to put myself in a position where I can take on new challenges, learn new things and find appreciation.

So I'm placing this out into the universe, I'M READY TO BE A WORKING MOMMY!

I think....no, I know. I'm ready.

Job? Where are you?

Proud

Each summer, I get to take on new challenges, and this summer was no exception. My job, has morphed from simply teaching Arts and Crafts into greater responsibilities including costuming our camp play, special events programming and this.

Three years ago, on a whim, I decided to create a little movie for our end of season banquet. Traditionally, at camp, we celebrated the end of the summer with a "themed" dinner party complete with decorations, centerpieces and even tablecloths (a big deal in camp world!) Anyone who knows me well, knows I love to throw a party, and love good surprises even more.

The theme 3 years ago was a Fifties Soda Shop. "And let's make a movie, too," I thought. Before I knew it, I recast the iconic movie Grease starring members of our camp upper staff. We whipped up some costumes, created a script and somehow, my colleagues were ready and eager to participate. Blessedly, my "Danny Zuko" was so excited by the endeavor, he dove in and took over editing responsibilities. And so, our little production company was born.

Somehow, I'm not sure how, in four days in 2007, we produced a movie that thrilled, surprised and enthralled our campers. This summer banquet has changed from being an exclamation point at the end of our summer, to a favorite and beloved event for our campers and staff.

The theme we chose this summer was also reflective of a special era in our history. The Eighties. Amazing that a time that is so fresh in my mind has now become nostalgia. Defining the '80's of course, is MTV, the inspiration for our video.

For a creative person, there is nothing cooler than taking an idea and turning it into reality. I'm so proud of this endeavor and am so glad to share it with you today!

Camp Saginaw Banquet 2009 from Jason Darnell on Vimeo.

Spackle

It's the last day of camp today. The children leave this morning, and the staff leaves early tomorrow. Today's a day for shutting down, packing up and saying goodbye. It's really hard.

Getting to spend every summer in paradise is a good thing. For two months, I don't have to cook, clean up after others, or fold mountains of laundry. For two months, I'm given a kind of respect among my friends, my colleagues and my staff, that I don't necessarily receive anywhere else. For two months, I live in a place where it's totally acceptable to dance in the dining hall, to scoot around in crappy clothes and no make-up, to go out to a bar at 9:00 at night (my normal bedtime!), to giggle incessantly. I watch my children have the time of their lives, learning new skills and making lifelong memories. They're happy. I'm happy.

And now it's time to leave.

How can I?

I really have to recognize that it's the transition that's the hard part. Nine weeks ago, preparing to get here, was an arduous task. Labeling, packing, shopping. Nine weeks ago, I looked around my comfortable home, my quiet neighborhood, the simplicity of my life, and didn't want to give it up.

Nine weeks later, I feel the same way about the journey I'm about to make. A little unsure, a little sad. The task ahead is daunting, but I'll do it. Ten months from now, when it's time to pack up our life again, I'm sure to feel the same uncertainty. Then I get here, and never want to leave.

In the end, I have to be grateful to camp. It helps to define who I am. It fills a certain void in my normal life, a little like spackling the crevices and cracks in an old tired wall. And even though it's only for a precious few weeks, I wouldn't be the same without it.

emptiness

Yesterday, we watched my sister-in-law bury her son. He was 16 years old. He was healthy and active and living his life to the fullest, when it was taken in an instant. Perhaps a momentary lapse of judgment or perhaps the hand of God coming down and plucking a special person from this world. Whatever the reason, he's gone now. The shock of the news still stings, but being at the funeral was probably the most unbearable experience I've ever had.

I worry most for his mother. One of the most nurturing people I've ever known. He was her youngest. Her baby. Only 2 1/2 pounds at birth, he fought then, and he survived. With a preemie, I think you always worry, particularly when they're little. Somehow, they're more fragile than full term babies. But Evan grew and grew and grew...amazingly, since when he was a little boy he ate little more than orange juice and pepperoni. At the time of his passing, he was looked to be at least 6 feet tall.

My heart is saddened for all the reasons one would expect. He was too young. It shouldn't have been his time. No parent should have to feel what my sister-in-law is feeling today.

My heart weeps for a reason I wouldn't have expected. I weep for the relationship we never really had. In listening to stories about him, relayed by his friends at the funeral, all I kept thinking was, I never really knew this about him. He was so much more than the quiet boy, who showed me a shy smile when I would touch his face to tell him how "grown-up" he was becoming. I weep for the loss of my daughters' cousin. I was so happy that Evan and Hayley were born just 6 months apart...but they were both kind of shy, so as they grew up, they became less and less connected. And over the years, the opportunities to spend time together waned.

His friends were understandably devastated by his loss. As the funeral, they were inconsolable. It was heartbreaking.

Hayley told me as we were leaving the cemetery, that she felt saddened that she hadn't had the chance to know him better. But then, she thought, this would have been so much harder for her to cope with if she had.

There are no reasons that make sense for any of this. There are no words that can make this better. I weep for my family. My sister-in-law. My nieces. My mother-in-law. My husband.

After leaving the funeral, you return to the land of the "living". For me, the daily routine, responsibilities, and friendships help to extinguish the heartbreak. But for his mom, oh my...I pray that she can find small joys as she begins her difficult journey towards healing.

Fork in the Road

My girls are on the cusp of the time in their lives where they'll start making real life-changing decisions. Experience has taught me plenty, not the least of which is the fact that my girls (sadly) aren't interested in learning from my experiences. When my own mother gives advice to me, there are times when I think, "I'm going to do this my way." But in the end, my mother is usually right. I guess there are just some lessons that we choose learn on our own.

But...if they would really listen, ....here's a bit of what I'd say.

1. Never act on a knee-jerk reaction. When something is a little unsettling, let it marinate for a little bit, before deciding how to proceed.
2. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Nobody sets out to be a bad person.
3. The person with most power in any relationship is the one with the least interest in that relationship.
4. Stick to your studies, you can watch TV or surf the internet later.
5. Don't get a tattoo. It might be really cute on a young wrinkle free body, but it will only look stupid when you are my age. Plus, it will embarrass your children.
6. A belly button ring is actually not that bad. As long as your tummy is flat as a board.
7. Push yourself to do for others. It's easier to sit back, and remain self-absorbed, but in the end, you will end up isolated and lonely.
8. Don't lose your virginity. Ever. Okay, maybe that's a little harsh. But when you do, make sure you are not drunk, you are deeply in love and at least 34 years old. ;)
9. But seriously, don't get married at least until you are in your late twenties. You have plenty of years to be a grown up, enjoy your youth, travel, stay up all night, eat cereal for dinner.
10. Don't get caught up in the romantic notion that having a baby is easy. It's not all lullabies and baby powder. It's hard work, and nothing can prepare you for the shock of a screaming hungry baby at 3:30 in the morning.
11. Pay your bills on time.
12. Don't ever think that material possessions will make you happy.
13. Never forget to remind yourself of your blessings.
14. Don't put yourself down, people can only intimidate you if you allow them to.
15. Put your goal's ahead of immediate gratification.
16. Take chances, color outside the lines, surprise yourself.

There are so many more little pearls of wisdom I could share, but duty (okay, really big laundry pile) calls.

In the end, I would tell my kids, this:

You don't ALWAYS have to listen to your mother. I may have my opinions, my wishes, my hopes for you, but in the end, this is your life. Make your own choices, but remember to value your mother's voice of experience. She's usually right.

AM I a good Mom?

The night before last, we went out for a family dinner. We were celebrating an important anniversary, 20 years (!) since my husband and I met. Usually, people celebrate wedding anniversaries and birthdays, but, that night, 20 years ago, was so magical, it will always hold a special place in my memory bank. (For a full description, you can see my post from last year!)

My husband, (sweetheart that he is) lifted his glass of ice water to make a toast. "To my wonderful wife and the best mom in the world". We clinked glasses, and I felt, both flattered and embarrassed. Surely I'm not the best mom in the world, but would I even qualify as a "good" mom?

I hate homework (they should be able to do it themselves) , I don't make lunches (I send in some lunch money), I don't make their beds. I never remember to pick up toilet paper at the supermarket. I haven't attended a PTA meeting in years. I RSVP'd for Addie to attend a birthday party on Sunday, then completely forgot to take her. I don't feel particularly mature, or particularly together. The laundry never gets finished. There are weeds to pull, that I never get to. I don't like playing catch outside, I'm bad at pretend. I've missed a few soccer games, here and there. I always forget to fill out permission slips.

I have the makings of a HORRIBLE MOM!!!

Okay, here's the part where I make myself feel better.

NOBODY is a perfect mom. We all have our gifts, we all have our weaknesses. And though my list of weaknesses is a mile long, at least I know where my strengths lie.

We sit down for a family dinner most every night. We turn off the TV, cell phones and computers for that brief 45 minutes.

My husband and I proudly show our affection for each other, and I believe we've shown the girls that a loving relationship is based on mutual respect and trust, and genuine friendship.

My daughter's confide in me. (Sometimes more than I'd like them too!) But they trust me enough to tell me stuff that I could never have shared with my own mother (who, by the way, is the ultimate great mom).

My daughter's treat other's with respect. They always remember to say please and thank you.

I've demonstrated to my daughters the importance of family, not just our little nuclear family, but our extended family, as well.

Of course we all love each other, but we actually LIKE each other as well.

We know how to laugh at ourselves, and find humor in just about anything.

The stuff I'm good at, isn't necessarily the day to day organizational side of parenthood. That part doesn't come very naturally to me. It is the intangibles that are my strength. Whether that's better for my children in the long run, I don't know. But when you get down to it, we're all just trying to do our best.

I'm sure my mother made mistakes, but I never once questioned her love for me. And, in the end, I'm hoping that my daughters will be able to say the same thing about me.

Happy Mother's Day